it's been awhile.

somedays when it's really difficult, i think of writing, of putting my thoughts out there again. in hope that someone, anyone, you sees it.

i hate february. it's the month where i'm reminded the most of everything i lost and don't have.

maybe this is my punishment for being selfish. for putting myself first. i see you walking away. i see him walking into the sea. and the solitude, the quiet.. it's crushing sometimes. 

is it worth it? I don't know. I only hope it is. and this is part of the process. in all aspects of my life, i would say that me at 28 years old is considered a success. I achieved everything i wanted. I loved (and lost), but I loved once at the very least.. passionately, fierily, and wholeheartedly. I gave all that i had, and more. maybe that's why i find myself missing a few parts sometimes. 

i'm tired. its exhausting to feel so much, think so much. it's draining to try and live not just for me, for you, for him.

I'm on the cusp of change again.

some days, I can't help but remember the quiet desperation and fear that gripped me as I stood on the precipice of change. Changing classes in secondary school, going to JC, going to university, going home, coming here.. the greatest fear was the loss of what was good, the familiar, the comfort.

but just cause I don't change.. and just cause I cling madly to current circumstances, doesn't mean that change won't come and the people in the circumstances won't seek or make that change as well.

And so i've learned to accept change.. the fear and discomfort is still there. I don't think it'll ever go away. But i'm learning to accept the inevitability of change and to take comfort in the constants despite all the change.

my heart constantly wavers and flickers like a flame in the wind. my mind as well.

there are days when i think what's meant to be will be and am okay with the impending goodbye. but there are days when my heart clenches and ache at the thought of not having this anymore. i don't know. honestly i never think i'll be okay with it. i try. trust me i fucking try.

the thought of you walking on down the path that is your life. without me by your side. it leaves a rather bitter taste in my mouth.

but what can i do? the ultimate choice is out of my hands. so i guess i'll just have to find my path in life then.

but no matter what. i know what we felt and had was real, and perhaps the best we'll ever have.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you

i'm going fucking crazy -.- the wait is driving me up the fucking wall.

arghhhhh

i'm not sure whether we think of this. the world we live in now, the same paths, same sights - our parents might have walked along too 20, 30 years ago. the views might be different, the people definitely so. but yet, somethings are always the same. the colours of the leaves, the feelings we feel, the hopes we have for the future.

our parents were young once too. it's hard to think of them as such. but they were once 25, full of hope for the future, young and bright-eyed. like we are now. and naturally, along the way, mistakes were made, stumbles and falls, achievements and successes. and that's hardened them and made them the way they are now.

25, 30 years from now. if we do have kids, they might walk down the same physical, the same life path. and they probably will not realise that we took the same paths all these years apart. all the same feelings included.

the people will go. but the memories, the places and the feelings will stay. i'd rather live each day to the fullest, being the happiest i can be, chasing my dreams, and being with the people i love. because tomorrow might never come. and i might never have a future who would reminisce like the way i am now. all the money in the world, can't bring me happiness and the memories i will cherish. memories like flying kites at marina south, the pat on the back at graduation, the round canteen table in rgs, the long hours in the dance club, the sweat and tears in the gym, the walks home in the cold, cooking together over a cramped stove, walking hand in hand in the cold, running home together in the rain and just quiet nights together.

alone time allows for a lot of thinking, wondering, ruminating and brooding.

it's really funny that it took me so long to be okay with being alone, and just a few short months to undo all that. suddenly i'm acutely aware of the silence. it eats me up inside.

i'm worried. worried about things changing, people changing, hearts changing. and these worries consume all of my thoughts.

Happiness is such a finicky thing. So elusive, hard to grasp. Yet so precious and important.

I've begun to see glimmers and slivers of it in the distance. But I'm not sure if that's a figment of my imagination, a projection of my desires or a glimpse of the future to come. 

And so I wait with baited breath. But in the meantime, I'll do my darnest to grasp it. And to show you how.

so it's the end of the year again. how quickly these times keep coming by.

so 2013. i fully expected 2013 to be a quiet uneventful year. one with crazy long hours of work, long slumbers where i could escape to a happier place, travels, and my LLM applications. and that was indeed the case for most of the year.

all i did was work and sleep for most of the year really. that and my escapes from reality (i.e. holidays). i'm so thankful that ming is in the same office (((: she was the only one keeping me sane and grounded. ilu darling.

somewhere along the way, the disappointment and exhaustion in dealing with certain things and people allowed me to move on. and i was just done with all that baggage and unnecessary angst. and then life got even quieter.

and then a few months ago, an unexpected surprise came barrelling into my life and swept me off my feet. trust me when i say i never expected all of this. for the longest time i felt like my heart had been locked up behind so many doors and locks, buried so deep underground, that i'd never feel like this again. i didn't want to let anyone in, and nobody had the ability to or knew me enough to open those doors. the walls felt so high and insurmountable sometimes, and no one could knock them down or get me to bring them down.

because of the circumstances, i never thought all of this would be possible. i went in with a temporary mindset. thinking i'd have fun with it while it lasts. and yet, it obviously isn't temporary. in fact it has grown into something so much more. something so precious and important. something that makes me so happy.

but it's not all ups and no downs (life is as such no?). i never knew how to take the easy path. my path always had to be one with bumps and dips. the circumstances are difficult. it's constantly in my thoughts. constantly whirling around in my overactive brain. and the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with is that all the thinking and analysing i do, night after night, can't solve it. i hate being faced with problems, and i love resolving them. and yet this is something i can't solve. not now at least.

but the happiness, the times, the comfort, the understanding, the care, the companionship, the friendship and the love makes it all worth it. and so i deal. or maybe the right way would be to say i try and deal.

and then 2014 and the future. LLM apps are in. the irony of life eh. just as i put in my apps to leave, i find a reason that makes me want to stay. but i have to do this. for me, for us.

though 2014 looks to be a difficult year, it definitely has the potential to be wonderful as well. for me, for you, for us.

who knows what the future will bring. whether the ladder will swing. whether we can keep walking on together like this. whether this is meant to be. but all i know is that you make me so happy my love. thank you for this wonderful end to what would have otherwise been a forgettable year.

i'm looking forward to what next year brings. for me. for us. for everything. the future never looked so bright.

so long 2013. you really went out with a bang (; i lost some things, i gained some. a lot more actually. i haven't felt so alive in a long time. love is a brilliant thing. hahaha.

hello 2014. i welcome you with open arms.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

the sun. the moon and the stars. what a fine pair.

the rationale behind my choices in life is very simple. happiness. all i want to be is happy. 

and that's all i want for the people i love and the people who give me that happiness.

it's that time of the year again.

the time of fairylights, mulled wine, crisp cold air, snow, walks in the cold and all. it used to be a happy warm time punctuated with bouts of abject misery. but i still looked forward to it. because watching the happiness swirl around me, gave me hope for the same.

it's a time of holidays, snowboarding, peace, adrenaline rushes, quiet, flashes of death, contemplation of life. and it's brilliant really. haha. i must sound crazy. 

i used to really look forward to december.. but this year, i'm beyond excited for it. it looks to be a fucking awesome month (: for many reasons, for one sole reason.

but after december. mms. we'll see how this goes.

it's the start of something new.

something exhilarating, scary, thrilling, crazy and wonderful.

how far it'll go, how long it'll go on for.. i don't know honestly. but i'm happy. happier than i've felt in a long time. and for now, that's enough.

itsu owaru ga wakaranai. demo, demo, ima hontoni ureshii desu. sorekara, aru ga mama ii desu.